Karen Lynn

Here's a hair update.  The pictures are a little blurry, but you'll get an idea of how long it is!

We had a fantastic day.  We went golfing, and played 9 holes.  This was my first full 9 and my second time out, and I shot a 48!  I broke 50 woo hoo!.  My legs feel so much more stable and sturdy now.  Still a little pain, but its getting better every day.  It was slow going for a few holes, so I got a chance to take some spring bud pictures.

Blossom buds

Budding Something

Red buds

Life and death

Scotch Pine

New growth

Weed closeup

When we were finished golfing, we went to the casino for dinner and fun.  We got there pretty early, around 4pm I reckon.  By 8, I was completely worn out, so I went and found DH and asked him to take me home.  We actually left with money!  I hit one jackpot:

Golf May 9th 2008 040

I think the whole day was a jackpot!  Now it is time to check for holes in my eyelids.  Sweet dreams world :))

I talked DH out of going up north this weekend.  Now I know what you are thinking, he should have made me go, but...I so didn't want to go this weekend.  It is only supposed to be in the low 50's this weekend up there, nothing is budding or blooming, and NEXT week is the Cherry Blossom festival.  When I called the gal at the campground, she said it didn't look like they'd be blooming next week.  It is still pretty chilly in Milwaukee, 55 degrees today and windy.  We do have baby leaves now though!   I just didn't want to leave beauty in bloom to go backwards towards winter.  Plus, having one more week to get ready will be even better :o)  

I talked DH out of going up north this weekend.  Now I know what you are thinking, he should have made me go, but...I so didn't want to go this weekend.  It is only supposed to be in the low 50's this weekend up there, nothing is budding or blooming, and NEXT week is the Cherry Blossom festival.  When I called the gal at the campground, she said it didn't look like they'd be blooming next week.  It is still pretty chilly in Milwaukee, 55 degrees today and windy.  We do have baby leaves now though!   I just didn't want to leave beauty in bloom to go backwards towards winter.  Plus, having one more week to get ready will be even better :o)  

It was actually a bitch session.  You see, she had breast cancer also, she's now a 5 year survivor.  She had a lumpectomy like I did, and 36 radiation treatments, but no chemo.  She told me it took her a good year before she got all her energy back.  So now I don't feel so bad about being so easily drained.  We also chatted for a long time about the hot flashes/sweats that Tamoxifen causes, and the subsequent depression because you are unable to sleep through the night, EVER, because we are interrupted so many times, first burning hot from the core radiating up the neck and down the arms and legs, and minutes later, so very cold because the body sweats to cool the skin when it heats up.  So all night long, its covers on, covers off, move from the head of the bed to the foot...change wet pjs, find a cool spot fall back asleep, repeat 5-10 times per night...well you can clearly see why we are tired and grumpy and depressed.  It was such a relief to hear her talk about how the flashes depressed her, knowing that I am not alone in this helps.  She also said she entertained "dark thoughts" while on tamoxifen, and that scared her, so she started fiddling with the dosage.  Taking them only twice a week instead of every day proved to her that the old Joan was inside her, and that the Tamoxifen itself was causing depression. 

She gave me some advice, she told me to force myself to do things I used to like, things that make me smile.  Even selfish things.  She told me to get OUT OF THE HOUSE, force myself to be around people (ugh).  She said it gets easier once you start weaning yourself back into your life.  Step by step. 

I decided she was right.  Its time to stop sitting around feeling sorry for myself.  Its all over.  I'm on the road to recovery now, and I am going to start doing things that will pick me up.  I signed up for an online D300 learning course at betterphoto.com.  Michael pushed me into it, he said I wasn't a beginner beginner, after all he's got my photography hanging in the dental office, he said I just need to learn the mechanics.  So I treated myself.  I also decided to color my hair.  I've got to take someone with me to help me match the color that is all over the back (dark blonde, ok khaki) to the top.  Gray is not me.  I don't care that it is only an inch long, its not going to take much fuss to keep up with the roots while its growing out. 

Another thing I decided was to put the point and shoot away for now, and really learn my new camera.  I guess I'll pull it out for self portrait thursday tomorrow, but only because the dslr is too heavy to hold one handed!  Yes, I know I could use the tripod, that will be coming :))

The funniest thing about our hour long rap session about the after effects of cancer treatment was that I totally didn't want to talk to her when I saw her outside, I was rushing to gather the pups and get them in the house (they were barking at her) and hoping she was going to walk right back in the house, but that didn't happen.  It was great, she made me feel normal.  Once she told me she fooled around with the tamoxifen dosage, it made me feel better for taking it only every other day.  Its ironic they keep us alive with poison. 

Thats all for now, I'll post pics from the Nikon tomorrow, they are still on the camera.  I'm anxious to see them :))

Lakshmi tagged me. The instructions are to summarize my life in a six word memoir, with optional photo illustration and to tag six others. I loved hers:  Let there be peace on earth. 

I took quite a while, as I was putting a lot of thought into this one.  Thank you Laki, this got me reaching into myself.

Here is mine:

"Striving to capture world beauty digitally" 

Beautiful flower

I love passing on tags Laki!  I am tagging:
Caprica, dafunk, Emjay, Flamingo Dancer, LaidOutInLavender, Little Odd Me

The tulips are blooming!

Daffy Tulip Bush

This shot above is in my Kitchen garden on the right side. 

Red floppy petals

Tulips

Pink and white

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Here is my front upper garden...everything is coming up!

Everything is growing

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Here are some pretty yellow tulips from out front:

Winkin blinkin and nod

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More later...ran out of voxing steam.  :))

I haven't written for a while because I felt that all I would be doing was complaining, but I decided that I've kept stuff bottled up long enough and its time to let the flood gates on my fingertips open. 

News:  I am still scared of my new camera.  In the midst of reading the manual.  I've already finished with the DVID

Introduction to the Nikon D300 - A Training Video by Blue Crane (Tutorial DVD)

Blue Crane

that I ordered here, but he was way over my head, talking about white balance and noise reduction and apertures and it kind of feels like I just bought more than I need with this camera.  I really need to get it out and play with it.  I'm reluctant to do it inside for some reason.  I don't know, maybe because I've been taking digital pictures with an easy camera for so long.  This is exactly what I wanted, something that I will grow into.  Not to make a living with, but just to record the very best images that are as close to what I see as I am able.  Sigh.  I make excuses too, I will grab the little point and shoot and run out for garden pictures and tell myself it would be just too much to handle (the big camera) trying to hook up 4 dogs or insert any other excuse here.  Why am I afraid of this camera? 

Other news:  The RV is in the shop being dewinterized.  We are going up to Door County this weekend, our first camping trip since last September, when we went to Wisconsin Dells to take our mind off of waiting for the Oncotype Dx results.   Hopefully the cherry trees will be beginning to blossom this weekend, but I doubt it.  Its still a good 10 degrees cooler up there, 4 hours north.

I've been on Effexor for almost a month now, and I don't think it is doing much for my depression, and it certainly hasn't reduced the heat flashes.  I don't feel "fit" to be out in public yet.  Gosh, if it was up to me, I'd spend 24/7 in my bed watching Dexter reruns.  I have no motivation, no desires, no nothing.  I feel flat.  I'm tense and nervous, really shakey inside and I just don't feel like Karen yet.   I started taking the tamoxifen at night to see if it would reduce the amount of flashes/sweats I have during the day, and that helped a little, or maybe I am just getting used to them.  I flip from the headboard to the footboard after every flash when I am sleeping to find a cool spot to lay in.  So I'm not getting much sleep either.   That doesn't help my mood when I am awake.  I am truly humbled by the women who go through chemotherapy and radiation and continue to work during and be mommy and have to carry on as if nothing is going on.  Between my 2 new knees and cancer, I feel like I've been in a war.  I want to hide in my foxhole.  I hate to admit this but, I am only taking the Tamoxifen every other day.  Its a hard pill to swallow, literally and figuratively.  I have blood work to test my estrogen levels on the 15th, so I might just be kicking myself in the butt if my levels are high. 

My knee is getting better every day.  YAY!  finally.  I'm still not up to snuff, I wouldn't even consider a mall trip, but yesterday I did venture into Hallmark to get my mom a card, and then went to the grocery store afterwards.  Oh, yeah, I forgot to say, I went golfing with Michael on Sunday.  The weather was perfect, there was no excuse, other than fear.  I was afraid I just wouldn't be able to do it.  Well, I did just fine.  I can clock the ball off the tee, my fairway shots are good, I have no pain when I swing, AND I finally feel stable.  The other thing, I didn't even think about my knee when we were golfing, until the 9th hole anyway.  So I only was able to do 8 holes, but I did 8!  Today I was thinking DH would be wanting to drag me out again, but its getting late for us to have lunch and pick up the RV and golf.  He's golfing with some man up the street later this evening, so that is probably why he's in no rush to come home and get out this afternoon. Daily pain pill count:  2.  Not including extra strength tylenol.  I can usually make it until about this time of day before I need help.  I put off taking the pills as long as I can, I am trying to make them last until the pain is gone. 

We postponed the bridal shower so we can golf in the GMO (greater matty's open) on June 14th.  I was reluctant to ask Nikki if she wanted to postpone for the outing, but I knew she wanted to golf the GMO also.  So it's official, we are playing with Nick and Nikki!  Thats something to look forward too. 

Ok done bitching.  I think.  I guess this was my things on tuesday!

Post your things on Tuesday list on Wednesday.  Don't notice it until 5 hours later.  

1. being awake for 2 hours and still sitting around in pain, being stubborn about taking pain meds (i want to make them last)
   
2. waking up and smelling last nights caramelized onions all over the house
3. still feeling "sick" in the tummy from dinner last night
   
4. current temperature:  36 degrees farenheit
5. weather forecast is in the 50's for the foreseeable future
6. mozilla hasn't worked correctly since the last update.  it freezes and stalls (not responding message appears)
7. vox is slow (which might be because of mozilla)
8. being hungry, but hurting, so i don't get up to get food
   
9. dirty dishes in the sink
   
10. forgot to take Holly's diaper off before I left her out (eww)
11. today is laundry day
12. it is also bitch meeting day, aka Management Meeting which is essentially a lunch where everyone complains about what is wrong but no one has solutions
    

I'll get back with the good things.  After I put my heating pad down, get off my butt, and allow good things to happen.

These trains are loaded every 2 minutes, there are ladies only cars from 7am to 10am after much protesting about "groping".