I had a chat with my neighbor yesterday...

It was actually a bitch session.  You see, she had breast cancer also, she's now a 5 year survivor.  She had a lumpectomy like I did, and 36 radiation treatments, but no chemo.  She told me it took her a good year before she got all her energy back.  So now I don't feel so bad about being so easily drained.  We also chatted for a long time about the hot flashes/sweats that Tamoxifen causes, and the subsequent depression because you are unable to sleep through the night, EVER, because we are interrupted so many times, first burning hot from the core radiating up the neck and down the arms and legs, and minutes later, so very cold because the body sweats to cool the skin when it heats up.  So all night long, its covers on, covers off, move from the head of the bed to the foot...change wet pjs, find a cool spot fall back asleep, repeat 5-10 times per night...well you can clearly see why we are tired and grumpy and depressed.  It was such a relief to hear her talk about how the flashes depressed her, knowing that I am not alone in this helps.  She also said she entertained "dark thoughts" while on tamoxifen, and that scared her, so she started fiddling with the dosage.  Taking them only twice a week instead of every day proved to her that the old Joan was inside her, and that the Tamoxifen itself was causing depression. 

She gave me some advice, she told me to force myself to do things I used to like, things that make me smile.  Even selfish things.  She told me to get OUT OF THE HOUSE, force myself to be around people (ugh).  She said it gets easier once you start weaning yourself back into your life.  Step by step. 

I decided she was right.  Its time to stop sitting around feeling sorry for myself.  Its all over.  I'm on the road to recovery now, and I am going to start doing things that will pick me up.  I signed up for an online D300 learning course at betterphoto.com.  Michael pushed me into it, he said I wasn't a beginner beginner, after all he's got my photography hanging in the dental office, he said I just need to learn the mechanics.  So I treated myself.  I also decided to color my hair.  I've got to take someone with me to help me match the color that is all over the back (dark blonde, ok khaki) to the top.  Gray is not me.  I don't care that it is only an inch long, its not going to take much fuss to keep up with the roots while its growing out. 

Another thing I decided was to put the point and shoot away for now, and really learn my new camera.  I guess I'll pull it out for self portrait thursday tomorrow, but only because the dslr is too heavy to hold one handed!  Yes, I know I could use the tripod, that will be coming :))

The funniest thing about our hour long rap session about the after effects of cancer treatment was that I totally didn't want to talk to her when I saw her outside, I was rushing to gather the pups and get them in the house (they were barking at her) and hoping she was going to walk right back in the house, but that didn't happen.  It was great, she made me feel normal.  Once she told me she fooled around with the tamoxifen dosage, it made me feel better for taking it only every other day.  Its ironic they keep us alive with poison. 

Thats all for now, I'll post pics from the Nikon tomorrow, they are still on the camera.  I'm anxious to see them :))